As Seen On T.V.

Have you ever seen this thing? It's the Tooth n' Brush Hands Free Toothpaste Dispenser. The first time I saw it, I was standing in the check out line at Wal Mart and I said to myself, Oh Get Out! Who needs a contraption to put toothpaste on their toothbrush for them? LAME-O.

Then I grabbed it and stuck it on the belt deep underneath the rest of my purchases. Yep. On account of I was embarrassed for myself. Of myself. Ashamed.

The entire time I was waiting to be rung up, and I'm not kidding you, I was mentally flogging myself for my stupidity. You are NOT going to buy that thing. It's $20 and WHY?!!!! Look at you. Up here in this line, people starving all over the world, and you're going to throw down $20 for an As-Seen-On-T.V. hoojit. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Then a little Virtual WWF match started in my brain. My conscience against the Devil.

Put it back.

No.

Put it back.

No.

Put. It. BACK.

N. O. 


And guess what? The Devil won.

But here's the rest of the story. The why that allows me to rationalize my purchase.

My kids pushed me over the edge. Yes, I did not have far to go, but I up and went. You see, it's their toothpaste. The toothpaste that they cannot, for the love of Peter Pan, keep in the bathroom, where it belongs. Why must it always leave the bathroom? Why? Why? Why?!!!

The toothpaste leaves the bathroom, and then the next kid cannot brush their teeth because they cannot find the toothpaste. They walk all over the house looking for it, staring up at the ceiling kind of looking. Unproductive looking and, surprise, no toothpaste finding is happening.

Then when the angry parent finds the toothpaste because the parent knows how to scan a room actively, as in aware and involved looking, the kid cannot seem to extract any toothpaste from the tube. It gets past the half gone point, and then suddenly they can't seem to squeeze their delicate flower hands hard enough to get the ding dang toothpaste on the toothbrush.

Really! This is not rocket science here, kidlets. It's dental hygiene. Get some.

And I'm not even going to go into the mess that follows the toothpaste extraction, I'm just going to tell you that this purchase from the Devil actually turned out to be quite Heaven sent. No lie.

We have not lost the toothpaste once since this device was so tackily installed in our bathroom . . . um, suction cupped right to the mirror. I'm pretty sure you won't see that in Martha Stewart Living. The toothpaste is always right there. On the mirror. No child needs to waste their precious energy on unproductive looking anymore.


Not only that, but there is no toothpaste on the counters, smeared on the cupboards, the toilet, the walls, etc. It's still in the sink though, can't seem to fix that one.


And the best part of it? We get every last molecule of toothpaste out of every tube of toothpaste. Peanut Head explained it to me. Something about gravity and the tight seal creating a natural vacuum, blah, blah, blah. Who cares, Peanut Head?!


It's magic. That's all I need to know.

And no, I am not being paid to blow sunshine about the toothpaste dispenser. They don't even know I exist.

Now it's confession time, are you going to run out and get yourself one of these white trash hoojits for your kids? Spill.