Ferris Wheels Are From the Devil. Even at the Happiest Place on Earth

I finally unloaded our trip pictures off the camera, and I've selected a small sample to share with you. And just in case my post title didn't tip you off, we went to California over the holidays, and we spent a couple days at Disneyland. The Happiest Place on Earth.

Follow us while I relive some precious memories.

Here we are on the Splash Mountain log ride. I think it was the first ride we went on, but it's all a blur to me, so let's just pretend it was the first.

Notice how Zoe Bug doesn't seem to be enjoying herself much.

She's a bit of a chicken butt. You could say she was on an emotional roller coaster, vacillating between extreme terror and giddy gleefulness. More about that later. 

Can you believe it drizzled almost all day long on our first day there?

But it's California, so how bad could it be, really? Throw on a trash bag poncho and enjoy the mildly fluctuating temperatures in paradise. 

It's a Small World was gorgeous at night. But there were waaaaaaaay too many people there. And the kids, man, oh man were there kids there. And strollers galore.

I don't get it. Who takes their kids to Disneyland?

We're calling this picture "Poncho Portrait."

We ate horribly while we were away. Who does that on vacation?

I have to unbutton my jeans when I sit down now. It was worth it. The memories.

The Teacup ride? Not fun. Unless you like nausea and vomiting. Then it's loads of fun.

Fake it 'til you make it, I say. By the way, this picture is proof that I was there.

And this wheel? You turn it to make the tea cup turn faster. Please don't turn it.

The teacups are from the Devil.

So is the Ferris Wheel. From. The. Devil.

I hate Ferris Wheels, but somehow Peanut Head talked me into going on the Ferris Wheel. I think all that sugar was burning holes in my brain. I was in a Sugar Stupor.

The Disneyland Ferris Wheel is not your average Ferris Wheel either. This one had cages for you to sit in, there were no seat belts, and the cages swung back and forth on a pendulum, while rotating around the Circle of Doom.

It was okay until we got into the uppermost arc of the C.O.D. Then the combination of the height and the erratically swinging cage with no seat belts flung me into a panic. Which was made worse by Peanut Head's maniacal laugh and repetitive requests to "Give me the camera! Give me the camera!", so he could document my terror.

And Zoe was right there riding that Crazy Train with me. She was begging Peanut Head to "Please, Daddy. Please get me down!"

And then Stinkerbell, being the sadistic opportunist that she is, kept inching closer to the edge of the cage and saying "Ooooh. I'm going to open the door and look out. Do you want me to open the door, Mama?"

To which I yanked her back viciously, sort of like that one time, and told her that she "wasn't going to move another inch or I was going to kill her so help me Mickey Mouse." 

Yeah. Never again on that Ferris Wheel. Never. Again.

I didn't give Peanut Head the camera either. I only let go the one time to snatch my baby away from the door of the Death Trap.

Oh yeah, we got some hats too. Aren't they fun? Peanut Head is loving the hair a little too much for my taste. He was really workin' it and thinking he was all that.

And he is, but we don't tell him that. His head is big enough.

Disneyland had some super cute hats. So why, someone please tell me, do my children have to pick out the boy-pirate and the Mickey's butt hats?

Is this some sort of punishment for something I may have said or done? Is it the Devil-Ferris Wheel comment, because I can edit?

Anyway, as I was saying, they could have picked out princess ears, or princess-in-the-castle hats with gauzy trains, or umpteen different versions of girlie cuteness, but they had to go and do this.

It's Halloween all over again.

Speaking of scary things . . . I do not like the Tiki Room. The Tiki room is CUH-reepy. Who, with half a brain, willingly sits in a room of singing birds, underneath those CUH-reepy singing birds, and tempts fate like that?

Yeah. I did. Peanut Head made me. Some blah blah about fond childhood memories or something.

We all know what birds do when they are aloft. And I'm not talkin' about flying either.

The castle was gorgeous, of course. Which reminds me about my first trip to Disneyland, when I was 18. It was a disappointment, to say the least. I had been watching Disney movies all my life, and I expected that when I actually went to Disneyland, I might be able to see the real Tinkerbell, flying around the castle and sprinkling her pixie dust.

And there was none of that.

It was all a fantasy. Santa all over again.

A young girl's dream . . . shattered.

Ooh. This was fun.

Zoe wanted to go on the Hollywood Tower Hotel ride and we were all "Okay. Let's go!"

Zoe had no idea what the ride was all about.

It's pretty basic really. Tall building. Ghosts. Lightning. Plummeting to the earth elevators. Good times.

Since we were in the Disneyland line FOR. EVER, she had lots of time to ponder the upcoming fun. Some observations were made. Some screaming was heard. Bad things happened.

By the time we got to the front of the line, she had nearly worked herself into a tizzy.

Here she's watching the elevator lights as the elevator gets closer to our floor. She's willing it to break down before we get on.

I don't know what she's so worried about. How bad can it be?

Oopsie. 

Okay. It was pretty bad.

In spite of the fun the rest of us are having, Zoe isn't feeling it.

After the ride she was absolutely hysterical, blowing snot and sobbing. The poor little thing.

Lucky for her, a Disney Princess from 1955 was there to greet her after the ride. Disney Grandma Princess was so sweet, her voice was just oozing sugar. She gave Zoe Bug a button to wear on account of she survived. 

I would have snapped a picture of that, but there was snot everywhere, and I don't want to gross you out. Well, too much anyway.

Disney Grandma Princess was telling Zoe that she just survived the scariest ride at Disneyland and now she could ride anything.

Yay! California Screamin' here we come!

Just in case you're getting ready to call CPS on me, here's proof that Zoe Bug did have some fun at Disneyland. It wasn't all terror and trauma.

I think Stinkerbell had the most fun. She liked all the rides and she got see her sister get the crap scared out of her. She's so mean like that.

Just like her Mama.

See what I mean about Peanut Head and the hat. He kept playing with his hair. Flinging it this way and that. I dang near wanted to buy him a cheerleader outfit so he could really let loose.

This is his Derek Zoolander "Blue Steel" look.

Now this ride was super scary. We didn't go on it. You couldn't have paid me to go on this one. Again anyway. My sister tricked me into going on one of these once.

Never again.

The Vomit Visors are the first tip-off that you don't want to go on this ride. They were tapered like a funnel, so that if you had to hurl, the Vomit Visor would deposit your little load right back into a neat little pile in your lap.

Isn't that nice?

Once you're strapped in and your Vomit Visor is firmly ensconced over your torso, the chair shoots up to the top at 18,657 miles an hour. See how blurry it is?

Then when you get up there, it drops you, free fall. It's awful.

Then you do it again, and again, and again. It's a bulimic's Disneyland.

These are the 3D glasses for the Toy Story ride. That was fun. And not scary. See? Zoe did fun stuff too.

N is for Never Again. Well, maybe again, but not the Ferris Wheel. It's from the Devil.

Even at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Really.